Why do we (battered women) stay?

I think one of the biggest questions outsiders have about domestic violence is if the relationship is so bad, why do battered women stay? Or go back? I know from past experience that there is no one answer. When I choose to stay, it was for many reasons, including:

• I would make excuses for his behavior
• I would idealize our relationship by remembering all the goods times we had together while trying to ignore the very very bad times
• I figured all relationships had troubles so I should make this one work
• I thought people wanted to see my relationship fail and I wanted to prove them wrong
• I really believed him when he said he changed
• I blamed myself for making him angry
• I wanted a functional family of my own
• I didn't want to be a single mother
• I didn't want to be alone
• I felt he needed me
• I didn't want to be yet another person to abandon him
• I didn't want to feel like I didn't get the relationship my all

I believe these feelings are normal and many woman have had similiar thoughts. Not to mention that many battered women lack a strong support network and often feel they have to face the world alone. Many women become financially dependent on their batterer and do not have the resources to leave and be an independent functioning person in society. Many women do not want to deal with the stigma of being on public assistance or deal with the difficulties of starting their lives over from scratch. Many women have been broken down spiritually for so long that they lack the faith that their lives can change and that God wants more for their life than what they are experiencing.

Please do not judge battered women for being victims or thinking that they have no other choice but to remain victims. Being a woman in society is very challenging without dealing with abuse, it becomes even more so as a mother experiencing abuse. Leaving is hard and dangerous. However, battered woman are strong survivors who can preserve through the challenges associated with the difficult changes involved with leaving.

Even with two babies, limited financial resources, lack of a support network and a 1000 miles from "home" I manage to leave and stay gone. This time was different than the others because I stopped trying to change him. I knew staying gone was the only way to maintain my sanity. In that relationship I couldn't be the happy, loving mom that I am today.