Giving up your freedoms in the name of love

It is frustrating that many of my friends, family and associates do not grasp that domestic violence is more than just physical contact, it is about power and control. I hear their stories and it is hard that they are in denial that they are in an abusive relationship. When I point out the warning signs they dismiss them and defend their relationship. They make excuses for why their boyfriends verbally abuse them. They are often manipulated into doing things they do not want to do, but want to keep the peace in their homes so they will go against their better wishes.

The scary thing is that I can feel their disconnect. They can feel themselves losing control of their own lives but do not know where to turn. Often they feel this pressure to make their relationships work because they do not want to seem like they failed. Also, I feel their fear that if they did decide to leave their mate than they would have to face his venegeance. There is a saying among men, that it is cheaper to keep her, when ask why they do not divorce their wives. The saying among women should state, it is safer to stay with him, that is why they do not divorce their husbands.

It is a sad reality that there are so many disfunctional and unhealthly relationships in the Black community. Many women find them selves single parents, wishing for a spouse and many married women are in relationships were they are berated, cheated on, controlled and abused. Why should a woman have to accept that her husband can have affairs? Why should a woman have limited access to financial resources and be told she cannot work? Why should a woman be threatened that if does not fulfill her mate's needs to his full satisfication that he will fulfill his needs outside his relationship or leave her? Why should a woman have to give up her friendships, her career, her identity, her independence, her voice, her body, her spirit...in the name of love? God does not even ask us to do that. It took me a long time to realize that jealously, is not love; control, is not love and abuse is definitely NOT love.