He kicked in my door

The following is a recap from my personal journal entry that I wrote 2 years ago after my batterer kicked in my door. Through an organization in NY, I was able to get my locks change and my restraining order specified he could not come back to the apartment. He did not react to this the way I expected.

When I found out he kicked in my door it totally freaked me out. I was just there Sunday evening. Thank God I left and went back to my mother's, because on Monday morning he came 'our' apartment and kicked in the front door to the building and than kicked in the front door to the apartment. I'm guessing he's mad that I didn't call him like he commanded me to. I guess he thought I was home. Maybe he thought I had someone in the apartment. Maybe be just wanted to scare me. But, what if he did it to come in to hurt me? What would he have done if I were there? Does he hate me? Does he want to hurt me? Kill me? What about his son? Would he have tried to take him from me?

Does he really think I'll take him back after all of this. He's getting more and more dangerous. His phone messages are getting more upsetting. I can't even try to figure him out anymore. Now I'm back here, at my mother's house, out of my beautiful space. I need a place of my own to call home. Now he wants to take that from me. I guess he figures that if he can't live there, he will make it so that I can't live there either. This is so unfair. My baby is only 3 months old, he needs stability.

He'll never be able to repair everything that he did and does to me. Will our son ever forgive him? How will I explain all of this to him when he gets older?