Intimate Partner Stalkers

With intimate partner stalking, "their needs for total control over someone, when the relationship breaks up their world is devastated. Their personality disorders won't allow them to accept rejection...They feel totally justified in doing just about anything to regain control over their victims. Since they believe the victims beong to them, they show no regard for restraining orders, and may be instead be infuricated by them, feeling they are being denied their God-given rights."

Stalking Traits

1. Won't take no for an answer
2. Has an obssessive personality
3. Above average intelliegence
4. No or few personal relationships
5. Lack of embarassment or discomfort at actions
6. Low self-esteem
7. Sociopathic thinking
8. Has a mean streak

From the book: Stopping a stalker - A cop's guide to making the system work for you by Captain Robert L. snow

This is more than a story, this is my life

Hey Friends,

I am guessing that many of you are tired of me talking about Domestic Violence. I mean it's been a few years already. The truth is, this is my life. I will advocate for change and a woman's right for a safe and healthy life until the day I die. For some reason God has chosen me for this cause, and I don't question it.

I spoke to a good friend last night and told her that all my experiences dealing with Domestic Violence has to bring about change or it has all been in vain. I mean with the #1 killer of Black women between the ages of 15 to 45 being homicide by a previous or current intimate partner; Domestic Violence is a cause that we ALL should take seriously. I love all people, however, I am passionate about saving our Black women, because who really cares about us? With many black women contracting HIV, being abused, being killed - we all have to stick together to promote change.

All I ask from you is to start and keep the discussion going. Speak about these issues with your family, friends, associates, co-workers, etc. If we stay silent than how will that help our children. We have to MAKE our voices heard, because many people do not want to listen to what we have to stay. I refuse to be a victim, and I damn sure will not be a silent one. I hope many of you hold the same sentiment. Black women are powerful, beautiful and intelligent survivors of many social ills. Let's continue to fight injustice and prepare a better future for the generations to follow.

With sincerity,

Black Woman Survivor

He came to my door step!!!

I am so frustrated. This morning HE came knocking at my door. He is not suppose to be on the property, he is not suppose to be anywhere near me and he is definetely not suppose to come to my home. I called the police and was put on hold. Yes, 911 put me on hold. After what felt like a few minutes, who knows if it was a few minutes, I just know I heard a recording saying "You've reach 911 emergency services please hold." I heard that recording twice so I hung up the phone and tigger the police panic button on my ADT system.

Since I have had problems with ADT over the last few months, I thought it would be best to contact 911 myself to ensure that they would come to my house. I called 911 again. They put me on hold again, this time I heard the recording three times before an actually operator came on the line. Needless to say, I was very angry at this point. I yelled at the operator and ask for them to please send someone out to my house because my batterer was at my door and I had an order of protection against him. She took down my address. Than I called ADT to make sure they had called the police and while I was on the phone will them, 911 called me back on the other line to get a further description of him. They wanted to know what he was wearing & what model car he was driving. Information I did not have because I was looking through a peep hole for a few seconds before alerting for help.

It took the police 20 minutes to come to my house. When they came they said they never received a call from ADT to come. They said the call that I made to 911 came through the dispatcher as a nonemergency call. Can you belive that!!!!!!! I told the operator that my batterer who I had an order of protection against was at my door step and she felt that was not a REAL emergency. This has to be a joke. I was told that if I wanted the police to come faster next time I would have to stretch the truth and say he was kicking my door in.

The truth is he could have been outside of my apartment with a gun, ready to shot me. The truth is he has already threatened to kill me. The truth is he is not suppose to leave the state of New York where he is on parole and has warrants AND HE WAS AT MY FRONT DOOR.

I spoke to the supervisor of a supervisor at ADT to get to the bottom of why they didn't notify the police department to come to my home. So far what they are saying is that it looks like ADT contacted the police department in another county, a county that is not near my home. Hello, how does that help me here! Who cares? Really, who cares?

Subtle Isolation Approach

Isolating a woman from her family and friends is essential for a batterer if he wants to brainwash her. If she has very limited contact with outsiders than they cannot educate her that the things going on in her relationship are unhealthy. Batterers fear that their victims will leave them so it is best if they monitor her dealings with friends and family.

Isolating a woman usually start as a subtle process. My ex-boyfriend remembered everything I told him. So if I wanted to speak to a friend that I had some disagreement with in the past, he would bring up that issue. He would dwell on it and say that I let people walk all over me. He would talk badly about that friend. After awhile, I would put off talking to her until a later date, because it would usually tigger negative feelings that I didn't want my friend to be aware that I was having towards her.

Another subtle way he would keep me from hanging out with friends, would be to plan a romantic evening the same day I had already schedule something with a friend. His excuse was that he had forgotten and that I couldn't choose my friends over him. Another technique was to 'threaten' to hang out with his negative friends if I went to hang out with my friends or family. He had a drinking problem and there were certain friends and family members that he had that he would pressure him to drink and get high. He said if anything 'bad' were to happen to him it would be my fault for abandoning him.

Hindsight is 20 20

I was reading through some of my old journals and was surprised that in the beginning of my relationship with him, I keep saying that I felt that something was wrong. In one journal entry I wrote that I was having trouble sleeping at night and my nerves were really bad. I wrote that I thought I was just parnoid about the relationship.

This is part of an entry that I would like to share:

It is very amusing how men will tell you the ways they mistreat their own family and friends, and than they tell you that they will never treat you that way, because they love you. I'm tired of being so gullible. I have 4 weeks to decide if I am going to go through with this pregnancy.

The truth is I don't want to be a single mother, but I don't want to stay in a bad relationship just to have the facade of having the support of a man. Whether I stay with him or not, I am still going to be a single mother because all the burden will fall on me. He told me last night that me and the baby are his family - the most important things in his life.

He keeps putting me on the back burner. I deserve so much more. That is why after crying a very painful cry - I decided to leave him. If I am going to do it, I am going to have to do it alone. There is no such thing as avoiding pain, you can try to postpone it, but that will just make it more painful than dealing with the pain when things first occured. Last night was so hard, I laid in my bed sobbing, a painful lonely cry.

Finding the courage to end the relationship

With all the mental and psychological abuse in the relationship, I found it difficult to leave. I felt guilty that I was breaking up our family and didn't want my children to grow up in a broken home. I felt like I lost faith that he could change and would change.

I asked him to leave on several occasions, but of course he refused. He gave him false promises that he would change, he gave me excuses for his intense jealously blaming it on his 'sickness', he pleaded that he had no where else to live, he cried about how much he loved me and the children, he became angry yelling that I couldn't kick him out of his home. He gave me tons of reasons and emotions about why he would not leave. Being that the apartment was leased under my name, I paid all the bills and utilities and all the furniture was mine; I didn't think it was fair that I should have to go. Well the tension and stress became so very overwhelming that I decided I would leave it all just to get away from him. He would watch me like a hawk and would talk me out of leaving.

It was a difficult decision for me to get the police involved, because at that point I felt like I was trading against him. He didn't beat me up or break any bones; but I was still battered and barely holding on to my sanity. I couldn't take one more day of the verbal abuse or one more night of having to be intimate with him. I needed my body, my mind and my spirit back. Thank God he was on parole and had a parole violation; or when the police came they would have little to hold him with. Many women are not that lucky and if they have their batterer arrested he may be back at home the next day. My situation gave me a few months to escape. I was able to move before he was out of jail.

I do not think anyone can understand the torment a DV victim endures. The closest thing I could compare it with is slavery, or what I have read about the mental, financial, sexual and physical abuse that slaves had to endure. When you hear the stories of how some woman have to escape their situations, it reminds me of stories I read about the underground railroad. In this country we have the right to be free, yet many women only dream of freedom. Some have lost hope and do not think it will ever come to them while they are still on this earth. It saddens me to think of this. I am so glad and proud that I found the courage to call the police and tell them the truth about what was going on in our home.

#1 Killer of Black Women age 15-45

Violence towards women happens in alarming numbers in the US. However, the statistics for violence against Black women are even higher than for other races. Yesterday, I learned that #1 killer of Black women age 15 - 45, is homocide by a woman's current or previous partner. I was surprised that I never learned about this through the media. I have about the dangers of heart disease and HIV through the media; but our number one killer gets very little mention. Go ponder. If Domestic Violence is the number one killer among Black women in this country, why is it, that many women do not even know what Domestic Violence is?

The following are more statistics that every Black woman and man should be made aware of, this information is from the Institute on Domestic Violence in the African American Community, http://www.dvinstitute.org/:

African-American women experience intimate partner violence at rates 35% higher than their White counterparts and 2.5 times the rate of men and other races.

Approximately 29.1% of African-American females experience intimate partner violence – rape, physical assault, or stalking – in their lifetime.

Intimate partner homicide is the leading cause of death for African-American women ages 15 to 45.

Domestic Violence affects children

About 10 million children witness family violence each year. Most critics agree that these children are more likely to grow up and perpetrate violence than other children.

Children who witness family violence experience feelings of being frightened, guilty and ashamed. Toddlers act out by breaking toys. Teenage boys tend to get into fights. Teenage girls withdrawal and internalize their negative feelings. Children of all ages exhibit symptoms of uncontrolled outburst of anger, post-traumatic stress syndrome and problems concentrating in school. They are more likely to be depressed, have anxiety and be violent towards their peers. They are more likely to commit suicide, use drugs and alcohol, runaway and engaged in sexual activities.

Children might feel caught in the middle of both parents. Young men might protect their mothers or start to abuse them their-self. This is why it is important to put children into counseling to teach them nonviolent ways of dealing with their parents' fights and how to escape if needed.

According to one study, 70% of children who witness family violence do not become violent. Instead ecological, psychological, interpersonal and societal issues determine the probability of a child becoming abusive as adults. Family violence may influence a child towards violence but is not the cause. Ultimately the choice is up to that individual.

However, according to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, "Men who witness domestic violence as children are twice as likely to abuse their children are twice as likely to abuse their own partners, than those who did not witness family violence."

He kicked in my door

The following is a recap from my personal journal entry that I wrote 2 years ago after my batterer kicked in my door. Through an organization in NY, I was able to get my locks change and my restraining order specified he could not come back to the apartment. He did not react to this the way I expected.

When I found out he kicked in my door it totally freaked me out. I was just there Sunday evening. Thank God I left and went back to my mother's, because on Monday morning he came 'our' apartment and kicked in the front door to the building and than kicked in the front door to the apartment. I'm guessing he's mad that I didn't call him like he commanded me to. I guess he thought I was home. Maybe he thought I had someone in the apartment. Maybe be just wanted to scare me. But, what if he did it to come in to hurt me? What would he have done if I were there? Does he hate me? Does he want to hurt me? Kill me? What about his son? Would he have tried to take him from me?

Does he really think I'll take him back after all of this. He's getting more and more dangerous. His phone messages are getting more upsetting. I can't even try to figure him out anymore. Now I'm back here, at my mother's house, out of my beautiful space. I need a place of my own to call home. Now he wants to take that from me. I guess he figures that if he can't live there, he will make it so that I can't live there either. This is so unfair. My baby is only 3 months old, he needs stability.

He'll never be able to repair everything that he did and does to me. Will our son ever forgive him? How will I explain all of this to him when he gets older?

Charming, Romantic, Attentive, Loving & Battering

Charming
Romantic
Attentive
Loving
Jealous
Apologetic


Charming
Romantic
Attentive
Jealous
Name calling
Questioning
Apologetic

Charming
Romantic
Attentive
Name calling
Questioning
Threatening
Apologetic

Charming
Romantic
Attentive
Name calling
Questioning
Threatening
Argumentive
Pushing & Shoving
Apologetic

and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on

"No," means "no!"

"When a man says 'no', it means no, when a women says 'no', it's a negotiation." ~Oprah

I find this quote to be so true. This is not an issue just among batterers, but in general; there seems to be a norm of men disrespecting women. Women lack a strong voice. Women have made strides in the women's rights movement, however, the alarming statistics of violence on women proves we still have leaps to go. There is a battle of power and control of a women's life, image, body and societal role.

Many women work outside of the home, yet many men still believe that a woman's main purpose in life is to maintain the home. There seems to be resentment that women have careers. I do not think that there is anything wrong with a woman who decides to be a homemaker nor a woman who decides to have a career. The issue is when a women does not have a choice of defining what life she wants to live. There is an issue when both lifestyles are under constant scrunity by both men and women. It seems that no matter what a woman does it is never enough. When will women be equals in this society? When will women be equals in their homes? But more importantly, how will bring about these much needed changes. The time for social change is today.

The day I was forced out of my career

Constantly, he made references to my educational and employment backgrounds and told me why his street smarts made him better than me. He looked down on Black people who worked a 9 to 5, he thought they were sell outs, Uncle Toms, house niggers. He thought I was a sell out for working an office job. I lost my job when I was with him because he would harrass me constanly. He felt that Black women only were hired by white men to perform sexual acts behind closed office doors. He wanted me home, since I would not leave my job, he forced his decison on me.

The day he made my last on the job, he followed me all the way to work. He watched me on the train, watched me walked down the street, waited for the elevator in the lobby standing off to the side eyeing me, followed me onto the elevator, all the way up stairs, but he could not enter on my floor because you needed a key pass to get through revolving door. I went through and left him standing there thinking I was safe. He called my cell phone over twenty times in a 15 minute time span. Since I refused to answer my phone, he went upstairs to the reception area and used his charm to get the okay to enter the premises. They were not suppose to do that. Guests have to be approved by the company they are visting and escorted to the office by an employee.

He came down stairs to my office. I was scared and did not want my supervisors to see him. He told me I better leave and leave now because I couldn't work there anymore. If I didn't leave than I would get "it" when I got home. I had no idea what "it" was because at that point in our relationship the only physical abuse I experienced was pushing, pinching and tight squeezing with what appeared to be a hug. I just knew he was really really angry and I did not want to anger him further. If I stayed at work there was no telling what would happen when I got home later that evening.

I alerted my supervisor that my boyfriend had made it onto the premises and was threatening to hurt me. I let them know I was very scared and couldn't stay. By this point my boyfriend had left the floor. My supervisor was able to sneak me out of the building on the freight elevator. After I was out of the building I didn't know where to go. Only one of my friends at the time was unemployed and would be home, so I called her. She knew my boyfriend and first hand witness his mood changes. She knew how to calm hin down. I went to her house she called him and was able to reason with him. It worked. He convinced me that he would not hurt me when I got home.

When I got home he asked me if I had learned my lesson. He said he had to teach because I was getting too smart at the mouth. That morning when I woke up for work and he questioned what I was wearing to the office and accused me of sleeping with white men at work...I cursed him out. I told him he was a leech, a bum and he was not my pimp. I told him that it did not make sense that I had to work through my whole pregnancy, while he did not do anything but spend my money. I told him that he should be happy that I let him live in my house, use my utilities and all my stuff. He jumped up in my face very angry and said, "since you are talking all that crap, you are not going to work at that job anymore." I said, "That is what you think," and left the apartment. He had to fix me for challenging him and being so defiant. If I keep my mouth shut and just ate my words he probably would have let me stay on the job longer.

I probably could have tried to go back to the work, but I was too embarassed and ashamed. The whole office knew about the incident. I was only one of a few black people in the building and always felt pressure to dismantle negative sterotypes about Black people. I worked extra hard, was very professional, keep my private life private and impressed my supervisors with my work. Now thanks to him, I looked like a fool. I just could not go back. In the days and weeks that followed, I convinced myself that I did not like that job and him forcing me out was a good thing. The truth was I loved that job. He knew that year the office was going to send me to Peru, Brazil and Las Vegas (for the Magic trade show). There was no way he would allow me to advance in my career or travel or to work around men. I often wonder where I would be in my career if I never was in a relationship with him.

Within a matter of weeks, I was broke, trying to get on public assistance and depressed. My son was born six weeks early, only two weeks after the work incident. I don't think my body could handle the stress that I was under.

Attempted breakup

It is very important that as a woman that you realize that you have power. You have to trust your inner voice, your intuition, the holy spirit. There were many times when I knew I had to get out of the relationship. I tried many times to break up with him. He is the only man I met who when I told them the relationship was not working and I wanted out straight up told me that we were not breaking up. He told me that we were still a couple and that whatever he did he was sorry but I couldn't break up with him. He cried and told me that he loved me and needed me. At first I was flattered that he was so determined for us to stay together. Than it became overwhelming.

The next time I broke up with him, I refused to answer his calls. He called me over 40 times in one day. Than he showed up at my house. He looked so pitful and remorseful, that I gave in and took him back. Each time we broke up, he would force himself back on me. I always foolishly would give in. He made me feel needed and wanted, but than at times he made me feel horrible about myself. Still even though I felt I was playing a dangerous game and my intuition told me to stick to my guns, he would have me second guessing myself and I would give in to him. Each time I would end up in a worst situation that I was in before.

His wanting us to stay together became more of a threatening demand than a flattering gesture. Soon it esclated to where he was threatening my life, if I were to ever leave him. He felt that if I ended the relationship it was because I wanted to be in a relationship with another man, and we was never going to allow me to be with anyone else. Never. The fact that we have children together complicated the situation. If I left him, I would have to leave the children with him, he said he would never allow me to be with his kids without him. This anger and scared me. Angered me because during our relationship there were periods for as long as 8 months were I took care of the children with out any help from him. Since 'our' children were born he had never been alone with them for more than a few hours. I was too afraid to leave him alone with them. I was scared because I thought him may kidnap them. Not because he wants to be with them but to get back at me.

Giving up your freedoms in the name of love

It is frustrating that many of my friends, family and associates do not grasp that domestic violence is more than just physical contact, it is about power and control. I hear their stories and it is hard that they are in denial that they are in an abusive relationship. When I point out the warning signs they dismiss them and defend their relationship. They make excuses for why their boyfriends verbally abuse them. They are often manipulated into doing things they do not want to do, but want to keep the peace in their homes so they will go against their better wishes.

The scary thing is that I can feel their disconnect. They can feel themselves losing control of their own lives but do not know where to turn. Often they feel this pressure to make their relationships work because they do not want to seem like they failed. Also, I feel their fear that if they did decide to leave their mate than they would have to face his venegeance. There is a saying among men, that it is cheaper to keep her, when ask why they do not divorce their wives. The saying among women should state, it is safer to stay with him, that is why they do not divorce their husbands.

It is a sad reality that there are so many disfunctional and unhealthly relationships in the Black community. Many women find them selves single parents, wishing for a spouse and many married women are in relationships were they are berated, cheated on, controlled and abused. Why should a woman have to accept that her husband can have affairs? Why should a woman have limited access to financial resources and be told she cannot work? Why should a woman be threatened that if does not fulfill her mate's needs to his full satisfication that he will fulfill his needs outside his relationship or leave her? Why should a woman have to give up her friendships, her career, her identity, her independence, her voice, her body, her spirit...in the name of love? God does not even ask us to do that. It took me a long time to realize that jealously, is not love; control, is not love and abuse is definitely NOT love.

Controlling contact with friends & family

When I lived with my batterer it was nearly impossible for me to have relationships with my friends or family. I live very far, in another state, so I couldn't visit them and they could not visit me. I tried to remain in contact through phone conversations but that became very dificult. He never said that I couldn't talk on the phone, his actions just prevented it.

Whenever someone would call he would sit or stand very close to me to listen to me side of the conversation. He would even make comments or get upset if I said something he did not like. Sometimes he would give me hugs and kisses so he could get really close to the receiver so he could hear the person voice on the other end. This never made sense to me because he always checked the caller id so he knew who I was speaking to. One day he told me that he thought I ask my friends and family to call with my "male friend" on the three way. That is why he needed to hear the other person's voice on the other end.

He would google the numbers off the caller id and out of my new and old cell phones. He would go through all my address books. When we first met I still had male friends, not boyfriends, but friends. He went through my phone book and scratch any male name out of it. Not a simple scratch but deep scribbles in ink so that there was no way I could retrieve the information.

When I was on the phone he would ask me fifty million questions, so that I couldn't talk on the phone. He would want to know what we were going to eat for dinner, why I didn't want to eat this or that, do I know where the brush is, can I get the crying baby, etc, etc. He would disturb me to the point that the person on the other line would always get annoyed and say that I seemed too busy and they would call me later. My friends and sisters stared calling me less and less and less.

Sometimes he would go as far as snatching the telephone from me to listen to what the other person was saying and than hand it back to me, or he would take it and have a very bizzare conversation with them and than hand the phone back to me. Either way his outburst, questions, body language just made it easier on me not to talk on the phone. After each phone he wanted to verify who I was speaking to, why they were calling, what did they say about him and what I meant when he heard me say this or that. This would always lead to arguments because I absolutely hated to be questioned. It made me feel like a child. He took my lack of response to his questions as me being sneaky a secretive.

Than there was the problem I had no control over; wrong calls and telemarketers. With wrong calls it didn't matter if the caller was a man or female. He would jump on the computer to start his research. He would keep the information written down for future reference. He would get really angry and tell me that I wasn't as smart as I thought and he was going to catch me. It was the same issue with telemarketers, he thought I knew the caller. It got to the point where I did not want us to have a telephone in the house. He could have his cell phone and I didn't need or want any communication with anyone outside the house. I just became too stressed and tired of all the questioning and anger from him. I could not prove to him that I was not lieing or hiding anything from him.

Domestic Violence and the Media

As a victim of Domestic Violence I am very sensitive to how the media reports domestic violence incidents. I feel that the real issuse of abuse and control is never covered in news reports. They will report that a man killed his ex-wife/ ex-girlfriend but they will not have a specialist speak on what could have lead to her death. They do not speak on what could have prevented her death. Sometimes they report it as a crime of passion, which it is exactly is not. When domestic violence victims are murdered by their abusers it is a very calculated thing. I have heard domestic violence crimes reported as a Love Triangle gone wrong. The term I hear most often is murder-suicide. This is when the abuser kills himself after killing his victim and many times her new partner.

It is frustrating that the media does not inform its audience about domestic violence. How hard would it be for them to say after reporting a DV story to add "If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, please call the __ hotline for help." I feel that is the least they can do. It would be great if they gave statistics about domestic violence to make audiences aware that this is an epidemic in our country. Instead the media likes to report crimes as isolated incidents. Why the disconnect?

Who is a victim?

There is no specific criteria for domestic violence victims but some therapists find that women who are abused as children are more likely to become victims of abuse as adults. Victims can be of any age, social background or race. Some believe that women who suffer from low self-esteem are more likely to be victims but this is incorrect. She does not have to be passive; in fact 8 out of 10 battered women fight back.

Many violent couple fights are initiated by women. Women tend to use violence out of frustration of self-defense. Men use violence to control their partners. Men to female violence are more likely to cause injury than female to male violence.

Even when women use violence as a means of self-defense, if the behavior becomes a repeatable defense she should take anger management and conflict resolution classes. Even if a victim may trigger an anger emotion; it is not a viable excuse for a batterer to say he was provoked. The batterer is at fault for abusing the victim.

Often domestic violence victims will deny the severity of the abuse. Many mistrust others. They feel more comfortable sharing their stories with other victims because they do not feel judged. They often feel humiliated and frightened. They need moral support. They need to know that the abuse is not their fault.

Encounter with a victim

Yesterday, I went up to the Sheriff's office to file my out of state order of protection with my county's office. My local precinct has a copy of my order but I was advised by the DV advocate at the solicitor's office to file it with the sheriff department. I made the long trip for no reason. The detective looked at my order and told me that I didn't need to file a copy with their office. He told me that my order was valid and if I saw my batterer than I should call 911.

Frustrated I left. On my way out of the building I encountered a woman who was very distraught. I spoke to her because I felt I could help her even if it was with kind words. She confided in me that she was trying to get an order of protection against her ex-boyfriend. She had spent several hours, going from one county ( the county where she lived) and was told she would have to file in the county where he lived. She then went up to the courthouse to fill out paperwork and wait only to learn that the judge left and she would have to come back the next day. She was very upset. Earlier that day her ex-boyfriend set off about 20 fireworks on her front door step, scaring her and filling her apartment with smoke. She called the police but they could not file a formal complaint because she had not witness him put the firworks in front of her door.

She told me that the man was upset because she had recently changed her telephone number because he was harassing her. She had only dated the man for two months but he didn't want the relationship to end. She told me that she has been trying to break up with him for the two months they were together. She knew very early in the relationship that she did not want to pursue it further. However, he would wear on her and she would take him back.

Now she was fearful he would try to hurt her. As much as she wanted to get the order of protection, she couldn't risk missing another day at work. She did not want his behavior to cost her job. She also felt that the order of protection would just anger him more. "Forget the order of protection, I'm going to get a gun. That is the only way we can really be safe you know. No ones cares about us."

I felt her words but also felt there has to be some other way. I shared my concerned about her safety, even offered her safety at my home for the night until she could transfer apt units at her complex. She kindly declined, as I would have if a stranger offered me the same choice. She was very flustered so I talked to her until she could get her thoughts clear enough to remember where she had parked her car earlier that day. We hugged each other tightly before saying our goodbyes. We pleaded with one another to stay safe. Even though I gave her my number, I know she will not call. No more than I called others who reached out to me in moments of panick and extreme anxiety.

Will she be okay? Will I? Time can only tell.

Stalking - Harass, Intimidate, Terrorize

A stalker can be someone you know or someone than you have never met. They are people who become obsessed with their victims and will do what ever it takes to get the information that they need to learn their victims. They may go through someone's trash can, get information from a person's friends or family, call the person's job, doctor, apartment complex pretending to be someone else to get more information. They may get information from public records, internet searches or they may pay a private investigator.

If a stalker wants to find you, they will find you. They are that persistent. The problem is that stalkers tend to be extremely intelligent individuals so they are resourceful. They often have personality disorders but this does not keep them from being charming when needed to get what they want. They will not stop until they get what they want, which is usual to have an intimate relationship with their victim. They do not understand or refuse to accept that the person does not want to be in a relationship with them.

Stalkers do not follow rules or obey by laws, which make them very dangerous. Having a restraining order will more times than not do nothing to deter a stalker from watching, following, or calling their victim.

A stalker will follow their victim showing up at places the victim goes. They may call the victim excessively. Even if she never answers the call, the stalker will keep calling hoping one day she will just give in and respond to the calls. The more a victim denies them the more they want to declare their undying love. They usually become threatening and sometimes a stalker will become violent. They may even kill their victims.

It is very important for the public to know that stalking is not a crime of love or passion, but a crime about power and control.

Who is a batterer?

You cannot stereotype a batterer. He can be anyone, the guy at your church, your children's teacher or coach. Many batterer's hold patriarchal beliefs about the traditional roles of men and women in a household. Some even compare themselves to being Kings or Gods.

Men who have a fear of abandonment have a greater risk of becoming abusive in intimate relationships. Men with borderline personality disorder become abusive because of this same fear of abandonment. Whether the fear is real or perceived it can triggeranxiety, anger, jealously and instability. These emotions correlate with verbal and physical abuse.

According to the Neidig and Friedman theory, there are two different types of abusers; Expressive and Instrumental. Expressive abusers' emotions tend to gradual escalate until both partners mutually reciprocate violence. Usually after the violent incident both partners show genuine remorse. The men usually take personal responsibilty and are motivated to change. Expressive violence can be treated if diagnosis early.

In Expressive anger, physical abuse is an expression of anger, jealously or fear. Instrumental violence, however, is used for controlling and intimidating a victim. It is usually accompanied by emotional abuse, threats, humiliating and degrading remarks. These men have a higher rate of personality disorders.

Instrumental violence is a rapid escalation of violence. The batterer shows no remorse. This type of violence is meant to control and punish the victim. These men lack empathy and the motivation to change. The prognosis for ending this type of violence is unlikely.

Male role models?

My view about men has changed due to all I have experienced in the last few years. This one experience didn't change my viewpoint; the relationship was the cherry on top of the icing on top of the cake.

He would tell me constantly through our relationship that no man wanted me for anything other than sex. If a man was friendly or even just cordial to me it was that guys way of tearing down the boundaries to get closer to me. That is why he did even want to retun a greeting from a man, because he viewed the greeting as an advance.

I felt many man spent too much time trying to get at women, but I didn't feel like every man was trying to sleep with me. Now I do not even take the chance; I am really abrupt with men. In no way do I want to give the impression that I would welcome an inappropriate advance. I also now feel that 95% of men are selfish creatures and they use woman.

I have to get my negative feelings about men in check, because I have a son that I am raising to be a beautiful, strong, compassionate and respectful young man. He will need strong male role models, but how will I be able to provide him that if I do not trust men enough to even hold friendship with them. How would I be able to trust a man around my son? I do not trust his own father around him. The thing is that I can't keep him sheltered much longer. Soon he will have to go to school and I will not be able to watch and protect him all day long. The thought of that scares me.

Verbal Mind Play

Some days I would feel empowered and other days I felt powerless. He would really give it to me on the days I felt powerless. He knew my moods. He knew how to get me. I was playing defense and was playing offense and defense. I have a college degree but he is from the streets and had a PHD in street smarts. He’s been in jail so he knows how to play the survival game on a whole 'nother level. I was smart but I couldn’t keep up with his mind games.

I tried not to let my emotions rule me. I tried to think with my head with him, because if I thought with my emotions he could manipulate me. He tried to make me think I was going crazy. Tried to make me think I didn’t hear what I heard, or seen what I seen, or experienced what I experienced.

He would call me a sneaky slut and then deny it. Tell me I was making it up because he didn't just say that. He would tell me I was going crazy. Say I was trying to start shit. Said I probably thought he called me a sneaky slut because I was feeling guilty about something. Than would ask me if I had something to confess. You see the mind games. How he would turn things back on me. Usually I would go into the defense. Say I don't have anything to hide and he needs to stop with the whole I am a cheater and liar thing. If I went into the defense he would have won, but if I flipped the script and told him that I ain't no stupid bi#$2 and I know what he said and he better stop playing my like a fool than I would have won that round. When I figured out one of his techniques he would smile proudly. He said he was preparing me for the world. It was his job to make me stronger.

Order of Protection: Just a piece of paper?

What is an Order of Protection? It is a legal document that is issued by the courts to protect a victim from a batterer. Orders usually tell the batterer to stay away from the victim and tells them to stop threatening her. In theory they are supposed to keep the victim safe. Essentially, they are pieces of paper, just like a dollar is a piece of paper. They hold little value if they batterer decides they will have no value. Since batterers love control and want what they want when they want it - a piece of paper is not always that effective with getting them to stay away from victims.

Order of protections are like video survilleance in that they keep a record that a crime has taken place but don't keep a crime for happening. If God forbid a batterer violates the Order of Protection, the victim (if she is still alive) can contact the authorities and the police can issue a warrant for his arrest and put him in jail (if they can find him). This is a way for justice to be served but the real justice is when a woman does not have to be worried about her safety.

Besides, Orders of Protections, men who commit crimes against women need to be punished through the legal system with lengthy prison sentences. They have to get the message that crimes against women have to end. As a society we are so quick to point fingers at how men treat women in the Middle East, but we do not warrant the attention that is needed of how badly American women are treated by American men. Women should not be objectified, disrespected or battered. Women teach your sons how to treat women. Men teach your daughters how they should be treated by men. Let us start by making changes in our homes, schools, churches, communities and states. Domestic violence will end when we change how men view women's role in our society. Domestic violence will end when men realize that they do not have the Right to control or abuse another human being.

The jealous guy

One of the biggest problems that he had with me is that he thought I was cheating on him. I have no male friends. Even today, I have no male friends. That did not matter to him because there were still males in my family, my sisters had boyfriend, my friends had boyfriends, some of my co-workers were male, there were males at the grocery store, the bus driver was a man - I just couldn't escape that we live in a society that have males.

Every man was a man I either cheated with or might cheat with in the future. He would become very angry with me if a man looked in my direction; as if I could control where they looked. I never gave him a reason to feel insecure because I don't have a wandering eye and I am the furtherest thing from a flirt. In his mind, I was a whore and would always be a whore. He said that all women cheat and all women are sneaky sluts. I had to pay for the wrongs of the women who wronged him in the past. I tried to prove to him that I was different and that women who sneak around and cheat are not women at all; they were still little girls in my mind. A women to me is someone with integrity and he had no need to worry.

His jealously was so bad that he would screen my calls, he followed me to watch who I would speak to when I walked down the street, he read my emails and etc. He never found anything but chalked it up to that I was really smart and one day he would catch me. He said when he finally did get the proof he needed it would be over for me.

It's scary when someone refuses to believe you, especially when you are not doing anything wrong. He was so convinced that I was a cheater and liar that he made me afraid to be in my own skin. In the beginning I thought his being jealous just proved how much he cared about me; now I know how wrong I was. His jealously had nothing to do with me at all - it is a sickness he has where he pictures these crazy scenarios and convinces himself that they are true. The more I tried to convince him otherwise the more guilty to him I became.

Why do we (battered women) stay?

I think one of the biggest questions outsiders have about domestic violence is if the relationship is so bad, why do battered women stay? Or go back? I know from past experience that there is no one answer. When I choose to stay, it was for many reasons, including:

• I would make excuses for his behavior
• I would idealize our relationship by remembering all the goods times we had together while trying to ignore the very very bad times
• I figured all relationships had troubles so I should make this one work
• I thought people wanted to see my relationship fail and I wanted to prove them wrong
• I really believed him when he said he changed
• I blamed myself for making him angry
• I wanted a functional family of my own
• I didn't want to be a single mother
• I didn't want to be alone
• I felt he needed me
• I didn't want to be yet another person to abandon him
• I didn't want to feel like I didn't get the relationship my all

I believe these feelings are normal and many woman have had similiar thoughts. Not to mention that many battered women lack a strong support network and often feel they have to face the world alone. Many women become financially dependent on their batterer and do not have the resources to leave and be an independent functioning person in society. Many women do not want to deal with the stigma of being on public assistance or deal with the difficulties of starting their lives over from scratch. Many women have been broken down spiritually for so long that they lack the faith that their lives can change and that God wants more for their life than what they are experiencing.

Please do not judge battered women for being victims or thinking that they have no other choice but to remain victims. Being a woman in society is very challenging without dealing with abuse, it becomes even more so as a mother experiencing abuse. Leaving is hard and dangerous. However, battered woman are strong survivors who can preserve through the challenges associated with the difficult changes involved with leaving.

Even with two babies, limited financial resources, lack of a support network and a 1000 miles from "home" I manage to leave and stay gone. This time was different than the others because I stopped trying to change him. I knew staying gone was the only way to maintain my sanity. In that relationship I couldn't be the happy, loving mom that I am today.

Power and Control is the Objective

The following are techniques used by abusers to gain power and control over a victim. Please review these because many woman mistakenly think that abuse is just physical or that an abuser gains control through just threats. My batterer use guilt and crying to get me to do things that I did not want to do. When those techniques were no longer effective he moved on to using threats and intimidation. When those techniques became less effective he started with the physical abuse, pushing, pinching, squeezing me into it hurt and kissing me so hard that it would leave marks.

Emotional abuse
Often it begins with verbal abuse, name calling, constantly being put down, making the victim feel like she is crazy. A technique that makes her question herself.

Economic abuse
Controlling victim's money, stopping her from working, spending her money, ruining her credit. A techniques that makes her financially dependent on others.

Physical abuse
Hitting, punching, smacking, pinching, chocking, pinching, biting, pushing, shoving, grabbing, pulling hair, pinning down, inappropriate physical contact. A technique used to overpower physically.

Sexual abuse
Even in a relationship a women does not have to perform any acts when she does not want to, forcing her to do so is Rape! Sexual abuse also includes grapping a women's body parts inappriopriately. A technique to strip a woman of control of her body.

Using Children/ Family/ Friends
Spreading messages through people, spreading rumours, destroying a victim's reputation among her family, friends and peers. With children using visitation to harass. A technique used to isolate her from others.

Threats
Evoking fear through words, threating victim, victim's friends/family, or themself to get her to do something that she does not want to do but he wants her to do. Threatening suicide, murder, etc. A technique used to evoke fear.

Male privilege
Telling a woman she is inferior, treating her like a servant, making her feel like she is beneath him. A technique to make victim feel powerless.

Intimidation
Using body language in a threatening way, screaming and yelling, backing victim into a corner, making eye contact, strong facial expressions, destroying property, smashing things, slamming doors, etc. A technique used to strip away a woman's control and power.

Isolation
Controlling who a victim can have contact with, keeping her away from friends, family, peers, not letting her leave the house unattended. A technique used to make it harder for her to escape the relationship.




Based on the "Power and Control Wheel"
Developed by the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project202 East Superior Street DuluthMinnesota 55802 USA1-218-722-2781

Every 9 seconds a woman is assaulted or beaten

Domestic Violence affects millions of Americans every year. According to the Family Prevention Fund: 3 women are murdered daily by their husbands or boyfriends. About 10 million children are witness to family abuse each year. Up to 50% of men who abuse their spouses also frequently abuse the children in the same household. Every 9 seconds a woman is assaulted or beaten as a victim of abuse. An alarming 50% of all female murders are committed by previous or current partners.

Domestic Violence is a very serious problem, a crime, which affects people of all walks of life. Male to female violence is the most dangerous, the most fatal; 95% of victims of family violence are women.

Domestic Violence or Family Violence is a repetitive abusive cycle. It can include psychological, emotional, physical, financial or sexual abuse. The abuse cycle consists of three stages: the tension building, explosive episode and the honeymoon period. These stages can develop over days, weeks or even months. The explosive period doesn't have to be a physical assault; it can be threats, stalking, harassement or other forms of physiological trama.

Please stay informed, knowledge leads to freedom, every woman deserves to live in peace!

Weapons Can Backfire

I want to be honest so that those who are experiencing a similiar situation know that you are not alone and those who don't truly understand the daily problems that evolve from DV will become more knowledgible. However, I have to share as much as I can while keeping my children and myself safe.

Many people have suggested that I get a weapon to protect myself. Getting a weapon is NOT the best idea. When I consulted with advocates I was told that the weapon the victim had to protect herself from harm, often becomes the same weapon that is taken from her and used against her. Sometimes leading to fatal injuries.

Note: I am not trying to be biases because I know I refer to victims as her, and batterers as him. Domestic Violence is a male, female, hetersexual, homosexual, low-income, middle-income, upper-income, Black, White, Hispanic, Asian epidemic...it doesn not discriminate. Violence against women by intimate partners of men is the highest demographic facing this issue. That is why I use the her - him terms.

There are no easy answers of how to deal with this problem. There is a careful balance that victims must have, victims have to keep themselves safe while not making their abuser more angry=dangerous. Leaving a a batterer sounds like an easy solution, but it is the most dangerous. That is why it is Very, very, very important to consult with a professional for a safe exit strategy. 75% of women are killed after leaving an abusive relationship.

Remember that the best way to help end the Domestic Violence cycle is to get safe, get help, get informed and spread awareness!

Stop cyberstalking me

After three months, over 90 days, he keeps sending me emails. Some are "nice" aka "manipulative", I love you, I miss you, I can't live without you, kiss the kids for me, etc.. Others are nasty, you're a slut, hoe, bitch, bad mother and I going to get you, I going to take the kids from you, I'm going to get even, because you keep disrespecting me by not calling. And some times the compliments and the threats are in the same email. Today his email said he loves me and the kids and he "forgives me" for anything I have done that I think would make him mad and to please call him. He has sent me his number nearly 100 hundreds times and I have Never called him, you would think he gets the point. Proof that some people are not rational beings.

He doesn't get it. Even though his communication is one sided, it is still scary. I have an alarm system. I have notified the local authorirties. I barely sleep through the night. Every bump in the night keeps me on guard. I go from being scared to being angry to being tired. How is it that he still manages to have control over me? Why don't I move yet again? It's expensive, frustrating, and I can't keep running. I deserve some stability and normacy in my life. So do my children.

Why do I open the emails. To see where his head is. He likes to tell on himself. So I like to keep a record of all he says, just in case. Of what, the thinkable and the unthinkable, just proof ...just in case.

Every email is a crime. I have an Order of Protection that has a no contact clause. And yes, that includes email. Being that my order was gained in another state before I relocated to my new state. The crime is a federal offense, he is harassing me interstate. There are laws against that. Most cities have divisions in their local police department that specialize in Domestic Violence, Stalking and even Cybercrimes. He is doing all three.

For more information about stalking you can call the Stalking Resource Center, National Center for Victims of Crime at 1-800-FYI-CALL.

Inspirational Song Lyrics

Excerpt from "Good Woman Down"

Song by Mary J. Blige The Breakthrough Album

[Intro:]
In my life
I've seen
It all
Now it's time
For me
To pass
On this
Knowledge to you
All my sisters
My troubled sisters
This is my
Gift to you

[1st Verse:]
Been many days
Couldn't take
The pain
Felt like
I should take
My life away
See it everyday
In every other
Young sister's face
(Young sister's face)
See'em cryin' out
Life full of doubt
Runnin' in the streets
No self esteem
Thinkin' that
Used to be me
What a shame

[B-Sect:]
And life
Is a mutha
It's hard
To sit back
And see
The same thing
That happened to me
Happen to you
This ain't love
But here's
The love
I wanna give to you

[Chorus:]
It doesn't
Matter what
They say or do
Don't let'em
Get to you
Don't be afraid
You can, you can
You can breakthrough
Take what
I've been through
To see that
You can't
Hold a good
Woman down
Went through
The same point
Of givin' up
I-I felt
Like I had enough
Went to the edge
Of the ledge
But I didn't jump
"My Life"
Will sum it up
You can't
Hold a good
Woman down
[2nd Verse:]When I used to see
My daddy beat
My mother down
Down to her feet
I used to say
That ain't gon'
Never be me
(Never be me)
Now look at you
Bruised up
From him
Girl recognize
You're better then
Him tellin' you
That he'll never hit
You again
Girl don't cry

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pe3pPljy2ZI