"No," means "no!"

"When a man says 'no', it means no, when a women says 'no', it's a negotiation." ~Oprah

I find this quote to be so true. This is not an issue just among batterers, but in general; there seems to be a norm of men disrespecting women. Women lack a strong voice. Women have made strides in the women's rights movement, however, the alarming statistics of violence on women proves we still have leaps to go. There is a battle of power and control of a women's life, image, body and societal role.

Many women work outside of the home, yet many men still believe that a woman's main purpose in life is to maintain the home. There seems to be resentment that women have careers. I do not think that there is anything wrong with a woman who decides to be a homemaker nor a woman who decides to have a career. The issue is when a women does not have a choice of defining what life she wants to live. There is an issue when both lifestyles are under constant scrunity by both men and women. It seems that no matter what a woman does it is never enough. When will women be equals in this society? When will women be equals in their homes? But more importantly, how will bring about these much needed changes. The time for social change is today.

Order of Protection: Just a piece of paper?

What is an Order of Protection? It is a legal document that is issued by the courts to protect a victim from a batterer. Orders usually tell the batterer to stay away from the victim and tells them to stop threatening her. In theory they are supposed to keep the victim safe. Essentially, they are pieces of paper, just like a dollar is a piece of paper. They hold little value if they batterer decides they will have no value. Since batterers love control and want what they want when they want it - a piece of paper is not always that effective with getting them to stay away from victims.

Order of protections are like video survilleance in that they keep a record that a crime has taken place but don't keep a crime for happening. If God forbid a batterer violates the Order of Protection, the victim (if she is still alive) can contact the authorities and the police can issue a warrant for his arrest and put him in jail (if they can find him). This is a way for justice to be served but the real justice is when a woman does not have to be worried about her safety.

Besides, Orders of Protections, men who commit crimes against women need to be punished through the legal system with lengthy prison sentences. They have to get the message that crimes against women have to end. As a society we are so quick to point fingers at how men treat women in the Middle East, but we do not warrant the attention that is needed of how badly American women are treated by American men. Women should not be objectified, disrespected or battered. Women teach your sons how to treat women. Men teach your daughters how they should be treated by men. Let us start by making changes in our homes, schools, churches, communities and states. Domestic violence will end when we change how men view women's role in our society. Domestic violence will end when men realize that they do not have the Right to control or abuse another human being.

Why do we (battered women) stay?

I think one of the biggest questions outsiders have about domestic violence is if the relationship is so bad, why do battered women stay? Or go back? I know from past experience that there is no one answer. When I choose to stay, it was for many reasons, including:

• I would make excuses for his behavior
• I would idealize our relationship by remembering all the goods times we had together while trying to ignore the very very bad times
• I figured all relationships had troubles so I should make this one work
• I thought people wanted to see my relationship fail and I wanted to prove them wrong
• I really believed him when he said he changed
• I blamed myself for making him angry
• I wanted a functional family of my own
• I didn't want to be a single mother
• I didn't want to be alone
• I felt he needed me
• I didn't want to be yet another person to abandon him
• I didn't want to feel like I didn't get the relationship my all

I believe these feelings are normal and many woman have had similiar thoughts. Not to mention that many battered women lack a strong support network and often feel they have to face the world alone. Many women become financially dependent on their batterer and do not have the resources to leave and be an independent functioning person in society. Many women do not want to deal with the stigma of being on public assistance or deal with the difficulties of starting their lives over from scratch. Many women have been broken down spiritually for so long that they lack the faith that their lives can change and that God wants more for their life than what they are experiencing.

Please do not judge battered women for being victims or thinking that they have no other choice but to remain victims. Being a woman in society is very challenging without dealing with abuse, it becomes even more so as a mother experiencing abuse. Leaving is hard and dangerous. However, battered woman are strong survivors who can preserve through the challenges associated with the difficult changes involved with leaving.

Even with two babies, limited financial resources, lack of a support network and a 1000 miles from "home" I manage to leave and stay gone. This time was different than the others because I stopped trying to change him. I knew staying gone was the only way to maintain my sanity. In that relationship I couldn't be the happy, loving mom that I am today.