Just pondering...

I have been battling many demons in my head later. Having doubts about past decisions. Wondering if 'he' was as terrible as I remember. Wondering if I gave 'him' more power than he deserve to have. The move has lefted me stressed, tired and upset. It changed my whole routine, which I think or I should say I know God wanted, because the change has forced me to questioned everything. Who? What? When? Why? How? The past? The present? The future?

No, it's not a pressing thing where my thoughts are consumed or cluttered. It is a really focused thought. I realized that the path I had planned out for my life years ago, is not the direction it has gone in. I mean this is true but than a little untrue. Reading past journals I wrote about wanting to leave New York and raise my child in a new city. I have always disliked winters and wanted to go south, but was afriad to take the steps. I just didn't know how I could move. Now I live in the south, in the city I wanted to live in right after graduation but didn't due to circumstances. So I guess I am following a dream more so than a goal.

I also dreamed of going to graduate school, but thought that too wasn't possible due to circumstances, but now I will graduate this May. I guess what I am realizing is that God helps us fulfill our dreams if we are not too afraid to have them. See, often my goals and dreams are not one in the same. I plan my goals on what is most practical and in the best interest of my family. My dreams are more self-centered in that they are goals that I want for myself if life was different (like if money wasn't any issue, etc.)

What does this have to do with a DV blog? One of my dreams was that I would be a whole family, man, woman and children with the man who fathered my children. Even though we were never married I always felt that he was my husband, in that God had brought him into my life. My grandmother always said she prayed I would meet a man that would bring me closer to God. I just don't think she had any clue I would have to go through so much pain, anguish, disappointment to finally stop being so stubborn and renew my relationship with God.

Just maybe, even though all the statistics say otherwise, there is hope that God will renew 'his' relationship with God. Maybe he will become someone that I no longer will have to be fearful of. My plan is to continue to be a great mom and work on being an even better mom. I will continue to do my best in all my studies and work on developing my career. Basically, I will continue to live my life and be strong. I will not search for a man or long for a man because deep down in the pit of my stomach I know God has the right man for me. Maybe it will be someone that God has had 'him' prepare me for. Whoever it may be and whenever it happens; I am entrusting it all in God.

Gender Roles: Women are gaining more power & Influence

There have been a lot of talk in the media about Gender Roles here in the United States. Research shows that women have more power and authority at work and at home. The healthiest relationships among couples are the ones when both couples voices are heard and choices are validated. This to me is not a surprise. Men and women both want to be respected. I am glad that as a society that we are making strides where women can now hold positions that were exclusive to men, just not to long ago. Women are CEO, surgeons, pilots and more.

As women gain more power in society, I wonder what the backlash is. Do many men resent this? Do they feel they have to give up some of their power? Are they confused? Do they agree with the changes? How do they express these feelings if they have negative feelings about the new Gender Roles?

What makes a healthy relationships

Information taken from the Advocates for Youth web site, http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/youth/health/relationships/healthy.htm.

Being in a HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP means …

Loving and taking care of yourself, before and while in a relationship.

Respecting individuality, embracing differences, and allowing each person to "be themselves."

Doing things with friends and family and having activities independent of each other.

Discussing things, allowing for differences of opinion, and compromising equally.

Expressing and listening to each other's feelings, needs, and desires.

Trusting and being honest with yourself and each other.

Respecting each other's need for privacy.

Practicing safer sex methods.

Respecting sexual boundaries and being able to say no to sex.

Resolving conflicts in a rational peaceful, and mutually agreed upon way.

There is room for positive growth and you learn more about each other as you develop and mature

If you are in an UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP …

You care for and focus on another person only and neglect yourself or you focus only on yourself and neglect the other person.

You feel pressure to change to meet the other person's standards, you are afraid to disagree, and your ideas or criticized. Or, you pressure the other person to meet your standards and criticize his/her ideas.

One of you has to justify what you do, where you go, and who you see.

One of you makes all the decisions and controls everything without listening to the other's input.

One of you feels unheard and is unable to communicate what you want.

You lie to each other and find yourself making excuses for the other person.

You don't have any personal space and have to share everything with the other person.

Your partner keeps his/her sexual history a secret or hides a sexually transmitted infection from you or you do not disclose your history to your partner

You feel scared of asking your partner to use protection or s/he has refused your requests for safer sex. Or, you refuse to use safer sex methods after your partner has requested or you make your partner feel scared.

Your partner has forced you to have sex or you have had sex when you don't really want to. Or, you have forced or coerced your partner to have sex.

One or both of you yells and hits, shoves or throws things at the other in an argument.

You feel stifled, trapped, and stagnant. You are unable to escape the pressures of the relationship.

He can control himself

There is a misconception by many that an abuser cannot control his anger. He can. He is so good at controlling his emotions that he has figured out how to control yours. Don't make excuses for his behavior anymore. If he can't control his anger than why is it that there are certain people, places and situations that he never raises his voice, have tantrums or act violently? Why are there people that are in his family that don't have a clue about his other side?

I think today we make too many excuses for men. They are suppose to behavior correctly. They are suposed to be respectful. They are supposed to be honest and trustworthy. They should know right from wrong and act accordingly.

Orders of Protection: Full Faith and Credit

The Violence Against Women Act declares that that an Order of Protection (Civil and Criminal Orders, this does not apply to Military Orders) is valid outside the jurisdiction in which it was established. This allows a victim to work, leave or relocate to another county, city or state and to still be fully protected under their Order of Protection. The jurisdiction that is covered includes all 50 states, Indian tribal lands, the District of Columbia, the U.S. Virgin Islands, Puerto Rico, American Samoa, the Northern Mariana Islands, and Guam.

This nationwide enforcement of Order of Protection helps protects survivors of abuse from violence, threats, stalking or harassment from their batterer. If the order is violated, the victim should contact his/her police department so that it can be enforced. The victim should keep a copy of their Order of Protection with themselves at all times. If they do not have a copy, then law enforcement can check into the issuing jurisdiction’s registry or contact the issuing court.

Some jurisdictions ask that the Order of Protection be registered to help with enforcement purposes, however, federal law does not require this. The risk of registration an Order of Protection is that in some places this information become public record or notice is sent to the batterer; either scenario may compromise a victim’s safety. Victims should contact an advocate or attorney to determine the requirements in their jurisdiction.

For more information about Full Faith and Credit, you can visit the Violence Against Women web site at http://www.vaw.umn.edu/documents/ffc/pcadv/pcadv.html#id119719.

He will always have some control

Two weeks ago my exboyfriend decided he could intrude on my personal space by coming to my home. The experience left me feeling fearful, confused and angry. Moving is tiresome and expensive. I moved from my home back in May to a new address so that he would not find me. When he did find me, it was a frustrating situation. Why did I bother to move? Why did I go through all the expensive, stress and time of finding a new home?

Remembering all that was involved with moving I decided I would not allow him to chase me from the new place I called home. After all, if I moved and he found me again, all my efforts would be in vain. Well, the decision to move again was thrust upon me. I basically had little choice in the matter because my apartment complex did not want to deal with another 'situation' if my ex decided to make another unwanted visit to my door.

Again, I was forced to do another apartment search, which is not an easy task on public transportation with two kids in the heat. Without complaint, I did what needed to be done. Once I found a new home I had to get boxes and pack. I was blessed to find someone to physically move me for a low cost. Now I am getting settled into my new environment. I still am bitter that I had to move, but am also very grateful that we found a new home where we are safer. Until he decides to leave us alone for good, we will never be completely safe from him.

This situation demonstrates the kind of stress a battered woman experiences, even after she has made the courageous steps to leave a domestic violence situation she is never has complete control of her life from the hands of her batterer. At any time he may show up to her home, place of work, her children's school or any place she may go. One can only pray that when she does see him that he will not do her any harm.

Reclaiming my life

I decided today after much back and forth; that I will not move to another apartment. I am going to stay here at my home. I refuse to allow anyone to drive me away. I have way too much stress and responsibilities to keep running away. At some point I have to take a stand and fight back. This does not mean that fighting back has to be a physical thing. I have to fight by mentally by reclaiming my life.

The person I was before entering this relationship and who I am now is very diffrent. I know I will never be the same because I have grown tremendously, however, I have to reclaim some of my youthful spirit back. Living in fear is not what God wants for my life. I mean this is not living, it is just surviving and I am tired of just surviving. I need my life back.

I spent the day cleaning, deep cleaning my home and rearranging my furniture. As soon as I get my hand on a couple of dollars I am going to buy myself a huge canvas and some oil paints and turn my feelings into a great piece. I am going to get some of my photos printed and framed and hang them up on my walls. I am going to turn this place into my personal art gallery. That is who I am at the end of the day; an artistic type.

If he can live his life...than I can live mine. He lives me alone and he will not go back to jail. He comes around me and the kids and than it will just have to be war. The thing is I have God on my side. I have to. There is no way I made it this far with two babies and virtual NO help, if God has no been here by my side the whole time. I am reclaiming my life and big things are about to happen for me and my family.