Just pondering...

I have been battling many demons in my head later. Having doubts about past decisions. Wondering if 'he' was as terrible as I remember. Wondering if I gave 'him' more power than he deserve to have. The move has lefted me stressed, tired and upset. It changed my whole routine, which I think or I should say I know God wanted, because the change has forced me to questioned everything. Who? What? When? Why? How? The past? The present? The future?

No, it's not a pressing thing where my thoughts are consumed or cluttered. It is a really focused thought. I realized that the path I had planned out for my life years ago, is not the direction it has gone in. I mean this is true but than a little untrue. Reading past journals I wrote about wanting to leave New York and raise my child in a new city. I have always disliked winters and wanted to go south, but was afriad to take the steps. I just didn't know how I could move. Now I live in the south, in the city I wanted to live in right after graduation but didn't due to circumstances. So I guess I am following a dream more so than a goal.

I also dreamed of going to graduate school, but thought that too wasn't possible due to circumstances, but now I will graduate this May. I guess what I am realizing is that God helps us fulfill our dreams if we are not too afraid to have them. See, often my goals and dreams are not one in the same. I plan my goals on what is most practical and in the best interest of my family. My dreams are more self-centered in that they are goals that I want for myself if life was different (like if money wasn't any issue, etc.)

What does this have to do with a DV blog? One of my dreams was that I would be a whole family, man, woman and children with the man who fathered my children. Even though we were never married I always felt that he was my husband, in that God had brought him into my life. My grandmother always said she prayed I would meet a man that would bring me closer to God. I just don't think she had any clue I would have to go through so much pain, anguish, disappointment to finally stop being so stubborn and renew my relationship with God.

Just maybe, even though all the statistics say otherwise, there is hope that God will renew 'his' relationship with God. Maybe he will become someone that I no longer will have to be fearful of. My plan is to continue to be a great mom and work on being an even better mom. I will continue to do my best in all my studies and work on developing my career. Basically, I will continue to live my life and be strong. I will not search for a man or long for a man because deep down in the pit of my stomach I know God has the right man for me. Maybe it will be someone that God has had 'him' prepare me for. Whoever it may be and whenever it happens; I am entrusting it all in God.