2008 Behind- Looking Ahead

2008 was a year of freedom for me. I had an encounter with my batterer, but my spirit was different. Even in my fear, my fear was different. My strength was in a higher power. I now know, what I wish I knew years before...I am powerful!

Please watch this video to understand one woman's experience, because it is so similiar to the experience many woman have experienced, are experiencing or may experience in the future:

I am a superwoman, yes I am…

My story does not have to be one of strength to any one other than myself. I am a living testament that God makes a way. Some days I feel so overburdened, but than I have to look at the battles I have fought and won and I am overcome with so much pride. I know that my life is not perfect, but it will never be. My life is great. I have two beautiful children, I am a student and I always try to do my best. I left an abusive relationship without a real plan and have survived. I am a survivor. I am a superwoman.

Every woman has this strength inside. The world and people may try to tell you that you are not enough or that you cannot achieve the impossible; I want to tell you with faith in God all things are possible. Just please do not give up. Putting your trust in other people may lead to disappointment, but God will never fail you because he always makes a way. It may not be the road you wanted to take, however, he always leads you the way you need to go. I received an email this morning that said,” God doesn't give you the people you want, He gives you the people you NEED. To help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you and to make you into the person you were meant to be.” I believe this to be true.

You are being molded; not broken by your obstacles. It may not feel like it right now. One day it will all make sense. When you are having one of the bad moments when you are beating yourself up or thinking you’re a failure; just close your eyes and remember everything that makes you great. Your smile, your sense of humor, your compassion, your love, your strength…

Just watch this video if you need to be reminded
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xK8t0gP4isE

Have a support network

Domestic violence victims and survivors need a support network. It is very difficult handling all the stress by yourself. Sometimes friends and family do not know how to deal with the situation so they will just distance themself from you. This does not mean they do not care; most times it is just miscommunication. It is important not know when and how to ask for help when needed. Remember everyone needs someone some of the time.

Sons that miss their abusive fathers

When leaving an abusive relationship is it ever safe to go back? Are the children safe to have a relationship with the abusive parent? The reason why I ask is because my son misses is father. Lately, he has been misbehaving and regressing. Will seeing his father or allowing them to speak daily help? Will it worsen the situation? It is so hard to say.

How vital is the father's role in a young boy's life?

The lies he told

The way he described how he ex-girlfriend treated him, when we first started to date, made me feel sorry for him. How could he endure such abuse? He said she constantly cheated on him throughout their seven year relationship. She never held a job. She forced him to sell drugs to support them. She lied about their son being his and even after she told him the truth he was such a great man he decided to still raise the little boy as his own son. He made her seem like a devil and he was the poor victim. I felt I had to prove to him that not all women were like her. It was my duty to restore his hope in women.

When he would accuse me of cheating, my first thought was he was having flashbacks about his ex-girlfriend. I didn't get too upset with it because I blamed for making him that way.

Imagine my shock when years later he confessed that he made all those things up about her. His reasoning, "I was just mad at her." So why all of a sudden was he not mad at her anymore? Why did he decide to confess the truth? Was he sleeping with her again? And if he lied about her, I could just imagine what kind of lies he told people about me.

He has on several occasions told me that people in his family did not like me. I couldn't understand why they did not, when I supported him financially and was loyal to him even through all the madness. I guess they didn't like me because of the stories he lied and told them about me. I guess he had to make up a good story about why I put him in jail - twice.

He also told me in the beginning of our relationship that he would never put his hands on a female. He told me never did it in the past and would never do it in the future. I found out later that both of those were also lies. His ex-girlfriend that he talked so badly about he cheated on her constantly through their relationship. When he suspected that she seek revenge on him, he choked her and hit her to teach her a lesson. She called the cops and he was arrested. But he convinced her to drop the charges. When did I find this out? After he hit me and I called the cops on him. He told me, "The cops will lie and try and tell you that you can't drop the charges and you may go to jail for filing a false police report. Don't worry it is not true. They tried to do the same thing with my ex when she had initially brought charges on me. But she didn't show up to court and the case got dismissed." I was shocked about this confession, but even more about how proud he was about being able to get over on the legal system.

As the months and years passed, (remember I dealt with him for about four years), the layers of lies unfolded. I learned that my son was not his first born son. He had two other sons he never told me about, including his ex's child that he claimed he raised even though he wasn't really his. The truth is that he had no idea where they were because she ran off with his child. (She went into hiding!) If I had known this in the beginning I would have never ever been in a relationship with him.

You cannot always tell when a man is lying, but you have to listen to what it is that he says. If he talks about an ex-partner in a demeaning disrespectful way, that is a very strong warning that you should heed. Most likely he will talk about you in the same manner if you ever become his ex-girlfriend. Also, you have to ask yourself how and why he would he talk so badly about a person who he used to love.

The Jennifer Hudson Tragedy

I am very sadden and heart broken today after learning that the nephew of Jennifer Hudson was found dead. The media called the shoting death of Jennifer Hudson's mother and brother, and now the death of her nephew a domestic disturbance.

Excuse me, but to me a domestic disturbance is when the neighbors play their music too loudly at night. This was more than just a disturbance it is a tragedy. When will the media start to really alert the public about the effects and warnings about Domestic Violence? How many people will have to die? How many children?

I cannot imagine the grief Jennifer Hudson must feel for her lost. As a mom the thought of losing a child, is unimaginable. I could not hold back the tears as I heard the story just a short while ago. A precious seven year old died at the hands of his stepfather, why? There is nothing that will bring back these lives. Should we all fear that if we upset our partner that the revenge could be the death of our family members? Why aren't these murderers executed?

We need stricter penalties. I don't have all the answers. Right now I seem to have more questions than anything else. All I know is that change must come and quickly.

Everyone has experiences, adversities and self-doubt. Everyone enjoys to feel loved, wanted and needed. Relationships can be very challenging. However, being challenging and being abusive are not the same thing. No person deserves to be victimized. Whether you are the abuser or the victim; or a witness to someone else's pain, I hope that you will seek help. Learning and growing from experience is best.

He said he felt obligated and left...

My life will never be the same because of what I went through in my relationship with 'him'. It is hurtful that I feel like I am still suffering, even after leaving the relationship nearly a year ago. I am a single mom and it is extremely difficult. I have to handle all the responsibilities on my own. I feel like he trapped me. Either you do as I say and deal with the abuse or you will be left to care for the children yourself.

I think of when my son was born. I had a doctors appointment and during the visit learned that things were very wrong with the pregnancy and the hospital could not let me go. I had 7.5 weeks left in my pregnancy and was not ready emotionally or financially for my son. I needed more time. God decided that the time was going to come early. Even still I needed my 'him' to be there for me. He was very selfish. I remember him telling me that he felt obligated to be there for me. This man who begged me to have his baby, was now telling me that he felt obligated to stay.

I should have known that was a clue of what my life as a mom would be like. He didn't stay with me in the hospital and I ended up having an emergency c-section. I was all alone in the delivery room with all the doctors. There was no family member or friend there to reassure me that everything was going to be okay, there was no one there to hold my son or see him take his first breath. 'He' showed up to the hospital 12 hours later. He didn't check any of his messages on his cell phone or the house phone and never thought to call the hospital so he had no idea that I had given birth to his son. When he finally showed up he was drunk or high. That is my so special memory of the birth of my first child. No matter what happens in my life I will never be able to get that day back. Lord knows I deserved more than that. I deserved to have shared that memory with someone who loved me.

Everyone is at Risk of Becoming a Victim

Domestic violence does not discriminate. It can affect anyone regardless of race, age, education or socio-economic status. However, men as batters and women as victims are the most prevalient of this epidemic.

Domestic abuse is about power and control. Many victims do not realize they are being victimized because they believe that domestic violence is only about physical abuse. Domestic violence can be physical, psychological, emotional or economic.

Many batterers try to excuse their behavior by blaming it on the victim or the stresses or life. There is no excuse for abusing another human being. The truth is domestic violence has more to do with the batterer's attitude and beliefs about how men and women should interact in an intimate reationship. It is his way of ensuring that she stays 'in her place'.

Domestic Violence: Love/Hate Postcard

Why surrond yourself around a negative person?

Relationships are a tricky thing. Relationships between family members, friends, associates and intimate partners. We do not get to pick our family, but we do get to choose our friends and our mate. Just because a relationship starts out positively, it does not mean we are obligated to sustain it when it becomes negative. There is a saying that people come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

Letting go of a friendship is very difficult. I know that it is not easy for most people to develop strong bonds with others, so once that relationship starts to go sour it is only natural to want to revert it back to when times were good. The problem is if the efforts are one sided than progress cannot be made. Intimate partners are our most intimate friends. They know our vulnerabilities, our dreams, our secrets and it can be painful when that person that you thought you would spend your lifetime with turns out to be someone else.

For me, it was hard letting go of my relationship with my batterer. I had to end the relationship with my best friend because he kept hurting me. He spent most of his days analyzing my every action and verbally acting me. It was hard because I felt like he couldn't help himself. It was like he had some sort of sickness. I wanted to help him, but didn't know how. I just knew I could not hold on to a friendship that had turned so negatively. Once I started researching domestic violence and reading books by experts it was difficult for me to except that his behavior was calculated. He could control his behavior but didn't because his negativity was producing the results that he wanted.

There is no reason to allow someone to treat you badly. Friendships are about loving and supporting each other. It is about respect and boundaries. Once that starts to deteriorate than it is time a reasses the relationship. Why surrond yourself around a negative person?

Verbal Abuse: My Story

My batterer would go back and forth from being very nice and romantic to being very angry. He was extremely verbally abusive and on several occassions threatened to take my life. He keep me isolated from friends and family. He constantly accused me of cheating. It was so bad that he did not like me to ever be out of his sight, because he would be fearful I would do something sneaky. I felt my whole existence had to be about him or he would become insecure.

I was dieing inside. I left him on several ocassions, one time I fled to a Domestic Violence shelter, because I was so afraid he was going to kill me. I would always go back to him because I would miss his sensitive, charming and romantic side. My wake up call came when I became so depressed from living in what felt like a prison that I was thinking of ending my own life. Thank God I took the steps to kept myself and my children safe from him. Now my mission is to spread awareness about Domestic Violence and help women to choose healthy relationships.

He's charming, attentive & very romantic...so how is he abusive

It is like a story book romance. You meet a man, maybe resist, yet he still pursues you. He just won't give up. Eventually, you give in. He's not like the other man you have met. He really seems to be into you. You give him your number and he calls. He calls often and is really sweet. He listens to everything you say and is romantic. Everyone meets him talk about how charming he is. You often hear, "You are so lucky to have met him."

The relationships progresses quickly. The next thing you know you are engaged, married and with child. He wants you to stay at home and raise the baby. You have a home and a loving, caring, supportive husband...so what is wrong? It starts with his temper. Okay, he just really passionate and occasionally loses his cool. No big deal though, you just have to get better at not making him angry. Right?

You realize as long as you do what he wants, when and how he wants it the relationships is cool. That is not a bad exchange to have your prince charming, right? Now you are dependent on him because you do not have an income of your own. You have to ask for everything little thing. You feel more like a child than a spouse. If he's upset, you will get punished. The things is that usually after he has one of his 'fits', 'tantrums', 'emotional eposides' or watever you like to call it, he makes up by being really romantic.

He is also jealous. He checks the phone bill to scan all the incoming and outgoing calls. He checks your emails. He goes through your mail. He checks your wallet, goes through your belongings and always checking up on you. He doesn't want you dressing in certain outfits anymore. He may not just come out and tell you not to wear dresses anymore. He may volunteer to do the laundry and accidently bleach your clothes. He may take you on a wonderful shopping spree and suggest what you need to wear.

The point of this, is that Domestic Abuse, is not the typical stereotype of a man that physically assaults his spouse. It usually starts with physicological means such as being controlling. To the outside world your relationship may look like a fairy tale, but behind closed door you may be living a nightmare.

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, which is represented by the purple ribbon. This is a time for spreading information and remembering the victims. For me every month is a time to spread valuable information to keep people safe.

Domestic Violence is when one partners tries to control thier partner through physical or physchological means. Domestic Violence is an issue of power and control. In its severity it can lead to murder. Usually the more a batterer feels that they are losing control, the more control they will exert. They also usually suffer from a fear of abandonment, so if you are thinking of leaving an abusive relationship, PLEASE consult with an advoctae for a SAFE EXIT STRATEGY.

You can find an advocate through the links on my page.

Just pondering...

I have been battling many demons in my head later. Having doubts about past decisions. Wondering if 'he' was as terrible as I remember. Wondering if I gave 'him' more power than he deserve to have. The move has lefted me stressed, tired and upset. It changed my whole routine, which I think or I should say I know God wanted, because the change has forced me to questioned everything. Who? What? When? Why? How? The past? The present? The future?

No, it's not a pressing thing where my thoughts are consumed or cluttered. It is a really focused thought. I realized that the path I had planned out for my life years ago, is not the direction it has gone in. I mean this is true but than a little untrue. Reading past journals I wrote about wanting to leave New York and raise my child in a new city. I have always disliked winters and wanted to go south, but was afriad to take the steps. I just didn't know how I could move. Now I live in the south, in the city I wanted to live in right after graduation but didn't due to circumstances. So I guess I am following a dream more so than a goal.

I also dreamed of going to graduate school, but thought that too wasn't possible due to circumstances, but now I will graduate this May. I guess what I am realizing is that God helps us fulfill our dreams if we are not too afraid to have them. See, often my goals and dreams are not one in the same. I plan my goals on what is most practical and in the best interest of my family. My dreams are more self-centered in that they are goals that I want for myself if life was different (like if money wasn't any issue, etc.)

What does this have to do with a DV blog? One of my dreams was that I would be a whole family, man, woman and children with the man who fathered my children. Even though we were never married I always felt that he was my husband, in that God had brought him into my life. My grandmother always said she prayed I would meet a man that would bring me closer to God. I just don't think she had any clue I would have to go through so much pain, anguish, disappointment to finally stop being so stubborn and renew my relationship with God.

Just maybe, even though all the statistics say otherwise, there is hope that God will renew 'his' relationship with God. Maybe he will become someone that I no longer will have to be fearful of. My plan is to continue to be a great mom and work on being an even better mom. I will continue to do my best in all my studies and work on developing my career. Basically, I will continue to live my life and be strong. I will not search for a man or long for a man because deep down in the pit of my stomach I know God has the right man for me. Maybe it will be someone that God has had 'him' prepare me for. Whoever it may be and whenever it happens; I am entrusting it all in God.

Gender Roles: Women are gaining more power & Influence

There have been a lot of talk in the media about Gender Roles here in the United States. Research shows that women have more power and authority at work and at home. The healthiest relationships among couples are the ones when both couples voices are heard and choices are validated. This to me is not a surprise. Men and women both want to be respected. I am glad that as a society that we are making strides where women can now hold positions that were exclusive to men, just not to long ago. Women are CEO, surgeons, pilots and more.

As women gain more power in society, I wonder what the backlash is. Do many men resent this? Do they feel they have to give up some of their power? Are they confused? Do they agree with the changes? How do they express these feelings if they have negative feelings about the new Gender Roles?

What makes a healthy relationships

Information taken from the Advocates for Youth web site, http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/youth/health/relationships/healthy.htm.

Being in a HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP means …

Loving and taking care of yourself, before and while in a relationship.

Respecting individuality, embracing differences, and allowing each person to "be themselves."

Doing things with friends and family and having activities independent of each other.

Discussing things, allowing for differences of opinion, and compromising equally.

Expressing and listening to each other's feelings, needs, and desires.

Trusting and being honest with yourself and each other.

Respecting each other's need for privacy.

Practicing safer sex methods.

Respecting sexual boundaries and being able to say no to sex.

Resolving conflicts in a rational peaceful, and mutually agreed upon way.

There is room for positive growth and you learn more about each other as you develop and mature

If you are in an UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP …

You care for and focus on another person only and neglect yourself or you focus only on yourself and neglect the other person.

You feel pressure to change to meet the other person's standards, you are afraid to disagree, and your ideas or criticized. Or, you pressure the other person to meet your standards and criticize his/her ideas.

One of you has to justify what you do, where you go, and who you see.

One of you makes all the decisions and controls everything without listening to the other's input.

One of you feels unheard and is unable to communicate what you want.

You lie to each other and find yourself making excuses for the other person.

You don't have any personal space and have to share everything with the other person.

Your partner keeps his/her sexual history a secret or hides a sexually transmitted infection from you or you do not disclose your history to your partner

You feel scared of asking your partner to use protection or s/he has refused your requests for safer sex. Or, you refuse to use safer sex methods after your partner has requested or you make your partner feel scared.

Your partner has forced you to have sex or you have had sex when you don't really want to. Or, you have forced or coerced your partner to have sex.

One or both of you yells and hits, shoves or throws things at the other in an argument.

You feel stifled, trapped, and stagnant. You are unable to escape the pressures of the relationship.

He can control himself

There is a misconception by many that an abuser cannot control his anger. He can. He is so good at controlling his emotions that he has figured out how to control yours. Don't make excuses for his behavior anymore. If he can't control his anger than why is it that there are certain people, places and situations that he never raises his voice, have tantrums or act violently? Why are there people that are in his family that don't have a clue about his other side?

I think today we make too many excuses for men. They are suppose to behavior correctly. They are suposed to be respectful. They are supposed to be honest and trustworthy. They should know right from wrong and act accordingly.

Orders of Protection: Full Faith and Credit

The Violence Against Women Act declares that that an Order of Protection (Civil and Criminal Orders, this does not apply to Military Orders) is valid outside the jurisdiction in which it was established. This allows a victim to work, leave or relocate to another county, city or state and to still be fully protected under their Order of Protection. The jurisdiction that is covered includes all 50 states, Indian tribal lands, the District of Columbia, the U.S. Virgin Islands, Puerto Rico, American Samoa, the Northern Mariana Islands, and Guam.

This nationwide enforcement of Order of Protection helps protects survivors of abuse from violence, threats, stalking or harassment from their batterer. If the order is violated, the victim should contact his/her police department so that it can be enforced. The victim should keep a copy of their Order of Protection with themselves at all times. If they do not have a copy, then law enforcement can check into the issuing jurisdiction’s registry or contact the issuing court.

Some jurisdictions ask that the Order of Protection be registered to help with enforcement purposes, however, federal law does not require this. The risk of registration an Order of Protection is that in some places this information become public record or notice is sent to the batterer; either scenario may compromise a victim’s safety. Victims should contact an advocate or attorney to determine the requirements in their jurisdiction.

For more information about Full Faith and Credit, you can visit the Violence Against Women web site at http://www.vaw.umn.edu/documents/ffc/pcadv/pcadv.html#id119719.

He will always have some control

Two weeks ago my exboyfriend decided he could intrude on my personal space by coming to my home. The experience left me feeling fearful, confused and angry. Moving is tiresome and expensive. I moved from my home back in May to a new address so that he would not find me. When he did find me, it was a frustrating situation. Why did I bother to move? Why did I go through all the expensive, stress and time of finding a new home?

Remembering all that was involved with moving I decided I would not allow him to chase me from the new place I called home. After all, if I moved and he found me again, all my efforts would be in vain. Well, the decision to move again was thrust upon me. I basically had little choice in the matter because my apartment complex did not want to deal with another 'situation' if my ex decided to make another unwanted visit to my door.

Again, I was forced to do another apartment search, which is not an easy task on public transportation with two kids in the heat. Without complaint, I did what needed to be done. Once I found a new home I had to get boxes and pack. I was blessed to find someone to physically move me for a low cost. Now I am getting settled into my new environment. I still am bitter that I had to move, but am also very grateful that we found a new home where we are safer. Until he decides to leave us alone for good, we will never be completely safe from him.

This situation demonstrates the kind of stress a battered woman experiences, even after she has made the courageous steps to leave a domestic violence situation she is never has complete control of her life from the hands of her batterer. At any time he may show up to her home, place of work, her children's school or any place she may go. One can only pray that when she does see him that he will not do her any harm.