The jealous guy

One of the biggest problems that he had with me is that he thought I was cheating on him. I have no male friends. Even today, I have no male friends. That did not matter to him because there were still males in my family, my sisters had boyfriend, my friends had boyfriends, some of my co-workers were male, there were males at the grocery store, the bus driver was a man - I just couldn't escape that we live in a society that have males.

Every man was a man I either cheated with or might cheat with in the future. He would become very angry with me if a man looked in my direction; as if I could control where they looked. I never gave him a reason to feel insecure because I don't have a wandering eye and I am the furtherest thing from a flirt. In his mind, I was a whore and would always be a whore. He said that all women cheat and all women are sneaky sluts. I had to pay for the wrongs of the women who wronged him in the past. I tried to prove to him that I was different and that women who sneak around and cheat are not women at all; they were still little girls in my mind. A women to me is someone with integrity and he had no need to worry.

His jealously was so bad that he would screen my calls, he followed me to watch who I would speak to when I walked down the street, he read my emails and etc. He never found anything but chalked it up to that I was really smart and one day he would catch me. He said when he finally did get the proof he needed it would be over for me.

It's scary when someone refuses to believe you, especially when you are not doing anything wrong. He was so convinced that I was a cheater and liar that he made me afraid to be in my own skin. In the beginning I thought his being jealous just proved how much he cared about me; now I know how wrong I was. His jealously had nothing to do with me at all - it is a sickness he has where he pictures these crazy scenarios and convinces himself that they are true. The more I tried to convince him otherwise the more guilty to him I became.

Why do we (battered women) stay?

I think one of the biggest questions outsiders have about domestic violence is if the relationship is so bad, why do battered women stay? Or go back? I know from past experience that there is no one answer. When I choose to stay, it was for many reasons, including:

• I would make excuses for his behavior
• I would idealize our relationship by remembering all the goods times we had together while trying to ignore the very very bad times
• I figured all relationships had troubles so I should make this one work
• I thought people wanted to see my relationship fail and I wanted to prove them wrong
• I really believed him when he said he changed
• I blamed myself for making him angry
• I wanted a functional family of my own
• I didn't want to be a single mother
• I didn't want to be alone
• I felt he needed me
• I didn't want to be yet another person to abandon him
• I didn't want to feel like I didn't get the relationship my all

I believe these feelings are normal and many woman have had similiar thoughts. Not to mention that many battered women lack a strong support network and often feel they have to face the world alone. Many women become financially dependent on their batterer and do not have the resources to leave and be an independent functioning person in society. Many women do not want to deal with the stigma of being on public assistance or deal with the difficulties of starting their lives over from scratch. Many women have been broken down spiritually for so long that they lack the faith that their lives can change and that God wants more for their life than what they are experiencing.

Please do not judge battered women for being victims or thinking that they have no other choice but to remain victims. Being a woman in society is very challenging without dealing with abuse, it becomes even more so as a mother experiencing abuse. Leaving is hard and dangerous. However, battered woman are strong survivors who can preserve through the challenges associated with the difficult changes involved with leaving.

Even with two babies, limited financial resources, lack of a support network and a 1000 miles from "home" I manage to leave and stay gone. This time was different than the others because I stopped trying to change him. I knew staying gone was the only way to maintain my sanity. In that relationship I couldn't be the happy, loving mom that I am today.

Power and Control is the Objective

The following are techniques used by abusers to gain power and control over a victim. Please review these because many woman mistakenly think that abuse is just physical or that an abuser gains control through just threats. My batterer use guilt and crying to get me to do things that I did not want to do. When those techniques were no longer effective he moved on to using threats and intimidation. When those techniques became less effective he started with the physical abuse, pushing, pinching, squeezing me into it hurt and kissing me so hard that it would leave marks.

Emotional abuse
Often it begins with verbal abuse, name calling, constantly being put down, making the victim feel like she is crazy. A technique that makes her question herself.

Economic abuse
Controlling victim's money, stopping her from working, spending her money, ruining her credit. A techniques that makes her financially dependent on others.

Physical abuse
Hitting, punching, smacking, pinching, chocking, pinching, biting, pushing, shoving, grabbing, pulling hair, pinning down, inappropriate physical contact. A technique used to overpower physically.

Sexual abuse
Even in a relationship a women does not have to perform any acts when she does not want to, forcing her to do so is Rape! Sexual abuse also includes grapping a women's body parts inappriopriately. A technique to strip a woman of control of her body.

Using Children/ Family/ Friends
Spreading messages through people, spreading rumours, destroying a victim's reputation among her family, friends and peers. With children using visitation to harass. A technique used to isolate her from others.

Threats
Evoking fear through words, threating victim, victim's friends/family, or themself to get her to do something that she does not want to do but he wants her to do. Threatening suicide, murder, etc. A technique used to evoke fear.

Male privilege
Telling a woman she is inferior, treating her like a servant, making her feel like she is beneath him. A technique to make victim feel powerless.

Intimidation
Using body language in a threatening way, screaming and yelling, backing victim into a corner, making eye contact, strong facial expressions, destroying property, smashing things, slamming doors, etc. A technique used to strip away a woman's control and power.

Isolation
Controlling who a victim can have contact with, keeping her away from friends, family, peers, not letting her leave the house unattended. A technique used to make it harder for her to escape the relationship.




Based on the "Power and Control Wheel"
Developed by the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project202 East Superior Street DuluthMinnesota 55802 USA1-218-722-2781

Every 9 seconds a woman is assaulted or beaten

Domestic Violence affects millions of Americans every year. According to the Family Prevention Fund: 3 women are murdered daily by their husbands or boyfriends. About 10 million children are witness to family abuse each year. Up to 50% of men who abuse their spouses also frequently abuse the children in the same household. Every 9 seconds a woman is assaulted or beaten as a victim of abuse. An alarming 50% of all female murders are committed by previous or current partners.

Domestic Violence is a very serious problem, a crime, which affects people of all walks of life. Male to female violence is the most dangerous, the most fatal; 95% of victims of family violence are women.

Domestic Violence or Family Violence is a repetitive abusive cycle. It can include psychological, emotional, physical, financial or sexual abuse. The abuse cycle consists of three stages: the tension building, explosive episode and the honeymoon period. These stages can develop over days, weeks or even months. The explosive period doesn't have to be a physical assault; it can be threats, stalking, harassement or other forms of physiological trama.

Please stay informed, knowledge leads to freedom, every woman deserves to live in peace!

Weapons Can Backfire

I want to be honest so that those who are experiencing a similiar situation know that you are not alone and those who don't truly understand the daily problems that evolve from DV will become more knowledgible. However, I have to share as much as I can while keeping my children and myself safe.

Many people have suggested that I get a weapon to protect myself. Getting a weapon is NOT the best idea. When I consulted with advocates I was told that the weapon the victim had to protect herself from harm, often becomes the same weapon that is taken from her and used against her. Sometimes leading to fatal injuries.

Note: I am not trying to be biases because I know I refer to victims as her, and batterers as him. Domestic Violence is a male, female, hetersexual, homosexual, low-income, middle-income, upper-income, Black, White, Hispanic, Asian epidemic...it doesn not discriminate. Violence against women by intimate partners of men is the highest demographic facing this issue. That is why I use the her - him terms.

There are no easy answers of how to deal with this problem. There is a careful balance that victims must have, victims have to keep themselves safe while not making their abuser more angry=dangerous. Leaving a a batterer sounds like an easy solution, but it is the most dangerous. That is why it is Very, very, very important to consult with a professional for a safe exit strategy. 75% of women are killed after leaving an abusive relationship.

Remember that the best way to help end the Domestic Violence cycle is to get safe, get help, get informed and spread awareness!

Stop cyberstalking me

After three months, over 90 days, he keeps sending me emails. Some are "nice" aka "manipulative", I love you, I miss you, I can't live without you, kiss the kids for me, etc.. Others are nasty, you're a slut, hoe, bitch, bad mother and I going to get you, I going to take the kids from you, I'm going to get even, because you keep disrespecting me by not calling. And some times the compliments and the threats are in the same email. Today his email said he loves me and the kids and he "forgives me" for anything I have done that I think would make him mad and to please call him. He has sent me his number nearly 100 hundreds times and I have Never called him, you would think he gets the point. Proof that some people are not rational beings.

He doesn't get it. Even though his communication is one sided, it is still scary. I have an alarm system. I have notified the local authorirties. I barely sleep through the night. Every bump in the night keeps me on guard. I go from being scared to being angry to being tired. How is it that he still manages to have control over me? Why don't I move yet again? It's expensive, frustrating, and I can't keep running. I deserve some stability and normacy in my life. So do my children.

Why do I open the emails. To see where his head is. He likes to tell on himself. So I like to keep a record of all he says, just in case. Of what, the thinkable and the unthinkable, just proof ...just in case.

Every email is a crime. I have an Order of Protection that has a no contact clause. And yes, that includes email. Being that my order was gained in another state before I relocated to my new state. The crime is a federal offense, he is harassing me interstate. There are laws against that. Most cities have divisions in their local police department that specialize in Domestic Violence, Stalking and even Cybercrimes. He is doing all three.

For more information about stalking you can call the Stalking Resource Center, National Center for Victims of Crime at 1-800-FYI-CALL.

Inspirational Song Lyrics

Excerpt from "Good Woman Down"

Song by Mary J. Blige The Breakthrough Album

[Intro:]
In my life
I've seen
It all
Now it's time
For me
To pass
On this
Knowledge to you
All my sisters
My troubled sisters
This is my
Gift to you

[1st Verse:]
Been many days
Couldn't take
The pain
Felt like
I should take
My life away
See it everyday
In every other
Young sister's face
(Young sister's face)
See'em cryin' out
Life full of doubt
Runnin' in the streets
No self esteem
Thinkin' that
Used to be me
What a shame

[B-Sect:]
And life
Is a mutha
It's hard
To sit back
And see
The same thing
That happened to me
Happen to you
This ain't love
But here's
The love
I wanna give to you

[Chorus:]
It doesn't
Matter what
They say or do
Don't let'em
Get to you
Don't be afraid
You can, you can
You can breakthrough
Take what
I've been through
To see that
You can't
Hold a good
Woman down
Went through
The same point
Of givin' up
I-I felt
Like I had enough
Went to the edge
Of the ledge
But I didn't jump
"My Life"
Will sum it up
You can't
Hold a good
Woman down
[2nd Verse:]When I used to see
My daddy beat
My mother down
Down to her feet
I used to say
That ain't gon'
Never be me
(Never be me)
Now look at you
Bruised up
From him
Girl recognize
You're better then
Him tellin' you
That he'll never hit
You again
Girl don't cry

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pe3pPljy2ZI